If They Wanted To…They Would…Right?
There are nights when sleep evades me. And honestly, I become obsessive about it. I’ve been up for 32 minutes, why can’t I sleep? I’ll be so tired tomorrow. I know I’m not alone in this sentiment and I also know I’m not alone in turning to my phone and hoping to lull myself back to dreamland (and trust me when I say I know thats the opposite of what I should be doing!). Last week, I had an experience like this… where I woke up at 2:32 and my eyes refused to close and my brain continued to obsess over the fact that I was up instead of sleeping. Rolling on to my side and reaching for my phone in the darkness, I clicked on Instagram. I was met with a post that intrigued me.
3 life reminders:
If you don’t go after it, you won’t have it.
Teach instead of criticize.
If they wanted to - they would.
I continued scrolling down a few swipes and then went back up to this post and reread number three. If they wanted to - they would. I laid my phone on my chest and closed my eyes. If they wanted to - they would. I felt uncomfortable and uneasy. I read it one more time. Hmmm.
I got right up and made my way down to the kitchen for a glass of water. If they wanted to , they would. Repeating in my mind and interrupting the silence of the night. After sipping, careful not to wake my family, I sat on the couch and contemplated this idea of doing something only if you wanted to. I realized it was bringing things up in me and I wanted to figure out why I was so unnerved. Now, thats a practice that doesn’t come easy to me with the push and pull of daily life but something was stirring and I was determined to figure it out (thank goodness it was dark, still, and quiet).
As I went inward, I realized I completely disagreed with the notion that if someone wanted to do something, they would.
Ok, I thought - thats a good start to this late night self reflection.
Usually when things make me feel uncomfortable, it’s not about the actual “thing” (in this case an Instagram post) but more about my reaction to it, a memory it draws up or unprocessed emotion that comes to the surface. So I sat there until I realized…. it was the gap in time where I didn’t see my dad. Ah ha. Now because I’m in my own head, this makes sense - but because you’re not - i’ll explain.
When my dad was officially diagnosed with FTD and my parents were in the midst of their divorce and we moved out of my childhood home and I was falling in love with my now husband… I took some time away from being my dads caregiver. He was placed in a Skilled Nursing Facility and I needed a moment to catch my breath. The whirlwind of the two+ years prior was overwhelming, life altering and completely shook up what I believed was a normal life. So I made a conscious decision to fill my cup, to put my mask on first so I could eventually step back in to his life in my best form and provide him with authentic and genuine care.
So does that mean I didn’t WANT to be there? To see him? To care for him?
What kind of daughter was I? The guilt was thick and obviously something that still discontented and displeased me.
I did want to be there. I know that much is true. However, I knew in the deepest corridors of my heart that I was not mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually in a place where I could be there; where I could essentially watch him deteriorate and I needed a beat.
What I have learned through this - I mean, hello! I’ve learned so much - but one take away that is important is it’s ok to take a minute for yourself. It’s ok to say you need a beat. Life moves to fast and we live in a time where things are “now, now now,” that slowing down and saying “whoa, I need a second to process this before moving forward” is seen as selfish or weak. I also know that without that self preservation, I would have been tapped out for Frank, for my boys, my mom, my husband, myself… and thats not fair.
Sometimes making a choice isn’t about what you WANT, it’s about what you NEED.
And knowing what you need (even if it’s something. you don’t want) is a powerful, self reflective tool.
Sooooo…. in conclusion, dear reader, may I suggest you don’t always believe what you read on instagram at 2:30am and beyond that, may I suggest that you can’t always get what you want…. but if you try sometimes …. YOU GET WHAT YOU NEED!!! (sorry, I had to!)
And for those of you wondering if I ever got back to sleep that night, the answer is yes. But only after doing the work. You just gotta do the work.
Xx,
R
