The Way We Talk About GRIEF
I remember as a child, my maternal grandfather died suddenly of a stroke. I was 5. I didn’t understand death (do I now? Jurys still out!) and I definitely didn’t understand the grief that comes along with loss. What I do remember is my dad saying “your mom is in the thick of her grief. Be kind.”
The thick of her grief? huh? I’m 5, dad. But, obviously, it stuck even though I didn’t full understand it.
As a society, we generally don’t like to talk about grief, death and loss. It’s painful and we (as humans) don’t like things that are hard or make us feel uncomfortable. However, we are infiltrated with negativity from news outlets, comparing ourselves on social media and not being able to look away from a car accident.
WHY IS THAT?
Hang on, i’m putting on my scientist hat… Maria, you should put yours on too! If I had to create a hypothesis about the nature of the “dark side” (not any relation to Star Wars) - I would propose that it’s more of a curiosity. We don’t know what it feels like to die and what happens afterwards, but we keep living. We don’t know what’s going to pop up on social media, but we keep scrolling. We don’t know what happened to the victims of accident, but we keep looking.
We are generally a very curious species. Yay or nay? (Hoping you said yay).
I would love to offer a few things i’ve learned about grief and the way we talk about it. Similarly, I feel like if we hold grief in this perspective, we may be learn more compassion + empathetic and more accepting of one another. We will also be pulled together in a unifying understanding of what it means to grieve and be in “the thick of our grief…”
So let me take you all the way back to Freud, ok? Don’t get turned off, stay with me. The Freudian perspective on grief seems pretty straightforward. We are biologically predisposed to form attachments and maintain close relationships to others (I WILL NOT get in to attachment theory here, but it’s something to dig deeper in to if you’re curious. Click here for a little taste ). We are generally a relational group of humans. Grief, in turn is the severance of that attachment. It’s the actual letting go and learning to live without it. I tend to agree. Do you?
Moving forward with the idea of a severed attachment, lets introduce a few key concepts/terms that really make me nod my head - YES! First is … hang on … it’s a good one.
INTEGRATION
Ok. So you’re grieving. Someone you loved (or were attached to) passed away. That pain, loss and sorrow needs to be not only felt, but integrated in to your life. Think about that for second. You are different now, your loss and your grief have changed you and the way you view the world. When someone fully integrates grief and that heavy loss in to their life, they are able to talk about it, they have processed it and they are familiar and comfortable with the feelings the death has produced. Have you integrated your grief in to your life? I would say mine is just starting… I am becoming one with it.
The next key term is …. another good one.
GRIEF LANDSCAPE
When you think of a landscape, your mind typically ventures to the wide open plains or a picturesque mountain range, yes? Well lets take the mountains or the vastness of the plains and add key elements of grief scattered throughout (sorrow, anger, confusion, restlessness, etc). Now, my landscape likely looks different than yours. Maybe my “sorrow” area is much bigger than your confusion and vice versa. Perhaps my tallest peak is anger while yours is isolation… The point is, everyone will have a different view and way to navigate this landscape. And thats as it should be. As my husband says, there’s not only way to skin a cat. Grief is different for each individual.
GRIEF EXPRESSION
I think this is what my dad meant when he said my mom was in the thick of her grief. She was learning ways in with to express the sadness. Remember Me also produced a helpful grieving tool for our Re-Members that outlines ways in which we grieve! Wanna read it? You gotta be a Re-Member, friend! Join here. The way I express my grief is very different in comparison to Maria or my mom, even. Grief expression is important and its again, very individualistic.
Talking openly about grief and sadness will bring more understanding, more unification and more love. It just has to.
Lets start the movement.
You in?
Xx,
R
