What Happens Next?

I think it’s safe to say I run “hot” - well more hot than some… less than others, but I feel a good way to describe it is - hotter than most. I’m not talking about anger, although I do have a fiery side. I’m talking about worry, racing thoughts, anxiety. I don’t recall feeling overly on guard as a child, but I do remember a subtle shift right after Frank got sick.

Now, let me paint a quick picture for you. My parents were very open with me about things, but at the same time - I was definitely kept at a “need to know” basis. They didn’t share finances with me, they didn’t tell me if their friends were sick or if they had any martial woes. But, if I had a question, I got an answer. I was confident and solid.

I feel confident saying that my life was pretty picturesque. I was a happy child, a well rounded teen and a pretty good young adult (enough tooting my own horn).

When my dad started to exhibit signs of FTD (for the newbies, we had ZERO idea what was going on), the ground under me started to become rocky. That whole picturesque life I told you about verrrryyyy slowly began to shift which in turn caused that confidence and solidness to crumble.

My dads symptoms continued for about two years before he was basically forced in to a situation where medical intervention was the only way. And things took off from there.

Now what?

We got the FTD diagnosis and I got a whole lot more tense. Everything seemed to just get thrown in to a tornado like disarray. You guys all know what I’m talking about… But I want to focus on what happened to me. I became obsessed with decision making, I became constantly worried, usually pretty confused and very very anxious. I don’t recall me being in the moment. I was focused on what happens next?

In and out of therapy, reading and researching all the things FTD related, trying to process, my mind just kept going to that same question… What's coming? I felt like I had to always be prepared. I was so caught off guard with this shift in behavior that wasn’t just “a midlife crisis” or “depression” that I vowed to always be READY. Always prepared … always ready for what comes next.

Thats the thing that no one really tells you about during the FTD journey. Your mind isn’t just yours anymore. You’re constantly thinking about what’s to come.

We all know where this journey ends. Theres no secret about that. There is a secret I wish I had known while walking beside my dad, though. I wish I had known that this feeling was NORMAL and in direct reaction to the situation. My life got flipped, turned upside down (shout out to Fresh Prince) and I needed to never feel that jolt again.

Thats a NORMAL response, you guys!

Not only is it normal, it’s your brain/nervous system stepping up to protect you. It’s your self preservation kicking in.

So, if you’re like me - always worried about what’s to come - I want to offer a big hug and ask you to take a real deep, real big breath in.

You got this.

Trust yourself.

Xx,

R