Grief: Part 1

Written by Rachael

I am almost three months in. Three months (+years) of saying goodbye, of grieving the finality and of navigating all this darkness. I’ve been told numerous times that grief comes in waves, and although I agree, I guess I wasn’t as prepared as I once thought. The waves still surprise me. They tend to come silently and without warning and they always seem to knock the wind right out of me.

For the first few weeks after my dad died, I thought I was in pretty good shape. Sure, I cried here and there (mostly in the shower… who else loves a good shower cry??), but I wasn’t sobbing in to a tissue when I heard his favorite song or put on his oversized shirt to sleep in. Truth be told, I thought I was a badass. And I thought I had prepared myself so well during the years leading up to the end. I was SO wrong. 

As we are approaching the 10th of February – it’ll be officially three months. And these waves seem to be occurring more often. I had been told that month three is the hardest (I will report back!) so maybe I’m at the top of the Ferris Wheel, waiting my turn to come down. Or maybe I’m still making my way up to the highest point, maybe I’m still climbing. 

Through the ebbs and the flows, I constantly remind myself – and now I’m reminding you – that there is no right or wrong in grief. I may grieve differently than you or your next-door neighbor, but that doesn’t mean one of us isn’t doing it right. It means that grief is personal, idiosyncratic, and if you look really closely, it can be beautiful. The waves, the climb, the dark. All of it has the possibility to open you up, knock you down and then create something stronger. 

Whatever comes, I am taking each step in stride. Grief is a part of life and only occurs when there is the purest, most sweet and real love. And I know that’s what my dad and I shared. I will endure this pain because I got to know his sweet love. Its not tit for tat, it’s luck. 

And you know what? I’d do it all over again – just to know him.

xxRachael